Fear, it’s typically a sensation we try to avoid and hide from others. Being vulnerable, letting people in, and admitting that you actually fear something is downright scary. Is this my way of admitting that I am afraid of Aplastic Anemia, absolutely not. I am however afraid of zombie and graphic horror movies in general. You will never catch me watching an episode of Walking Dead with my husband, although they are neatly accounted for in our Netflix queue...I know my limit and don’t care to test it.
So when is it okay to subject yourself to something that elicits fear? Or, if you are like me, that mounting feeling of not having control and wanting to have a “plan” for something unknown? It’s okay when the “unknown” or dealing with the fear will help you move forward on a path to wholeness. I can’t deny that I’ve got Aplastic Anemia or give up on looking and moving forward towards wholeness. It’s not a choice to be “lazy” and forget to wash my hands, flush my lines, or take my medications responsibly. Who does that hurt? Me. And at this time, I am no longer willing to hurt myself to achieve “deadlines” or goals, typically self-imposed or socially pressured to fulfill this unattainable ideal of “perfection”. Perfection is overrated. Perfection doesn’t comfort you, send you care packages, or sleep in a chair beside you when you’re hospitalized. I’ve decided that I will take my imperfection, quirks and all, as they are much better company along this road to recovery. I accept that there are things that I cannot do right now, that will have to wait until I’m healthy, and that I may never do in my life...and you know what? That’s totally okay. Because, I am no longer willing to go rushing my life away. (I’m too clumsy and have far too many bumps and bruises from this manner of lifestyle). Life is too short to be spent regretting past decisions, so just stop it. Move forward and only look back upon the good memories and LEARNING from your mistakes...see that, learning, it’s a far more important a tool than self-shaming. Guilt and shame can be harming, so stop using them that way. I’m not telling you to be narcissistic but if you are inclined to dwell and let these things fester, let it go. Yes, easier said than done, but the more consciously we acknowledge how we’re using them on ourselves or toward others, the easier it is to stop using them to cause pain. So anywho, where has all this babble lead me to? I’m learning, trying to live life slower, and working to face this silly fear of my plans blowing up in my face. Right now I don’t have a hard-set timeline, as all is dependent on how my body reacts, and that manner in which I allow myself to heal. No rushing, or shortcutting this process. My bone marrow holds the ultimate hand of cards in this game of poker, and I’m going to let it take as much sweet time as it needs to lay that hand down. Because I want to be there on the other side of this treatment process, recovered, healthy, and living the life that I currently have on hold. And I can’t be angry about that, because anger gets me nowhere but down and that is certainly not a place I want to be in. Life is too good and I have felt far too much love and support from family and friends to let myself give up. Quite frankly, giving up has never been my style, so why start now?
So when is it okay to subject yourself to something that elicits fear? Or, if you are like me, that mounting feeling of not having control and wanting to have a “plan” for something unknown? It’s okay when the “unknown” or dealing with the fear will help you move forward on a path to wholeness. I can’t deny that I’ve got Aplastic Anemia or give up on looking and moving forward towards wholeness. It’s not a choice to be “lazy” and forget to wash my hands, flush my lines, or take my medications responsibly. Who does that hurt? Me. And at this time, I am no longer willing to hurt myself to achieve “deadlines” or goals, typically self-imposed or socially pressured to fulfill this unattainable ideal of “perfection”. Perfection is overrated. Perfection doesn’t comfort you, send you care packages, or sleep in a chair beside you when you’re hospitalized. I’ve decided that I will take my imperfection, quirks and all, as they are much better company along this road to recovery. I accept that there are things that I cannot do right now, that will have to wait until I’m healthy, and that I may never do in my life...and you know what? That’s totally okay. Because, I am no longer willing to go rushing my life away. (I’m too clumsy and have far too many bumps and bruises from this manner of lifestyle). Life is too short to be spent regretting past decisions, so just stop it. Move forward and only look back upon the good memories and LEARNING from your mistakes...see that, learning, it’s a far more important a tool than self-shaming. Guilt and shame can be harming, so stop using them that way. I’m not telling you to be narcissistic but if you are inclined to dwell and let these things fester, let it go. Yes, easier said than done, but the more consciously we acknowledge how we’re using them on ourselves or toward others, the easier it is to stop using them to cause pain. So anywho, where has all this babble lead me to? I’m learning, trying to live life slower, and working to face this silly fear of my plans blowing up in my face. Right now I don’t have a hard-set timeline, as all is dependent on how my body reacts, and that manner in which I allow myself to heal. No rushing, or shortcutting this process. My bone marrow holds the ultimate hand of cards in this game of poker, and I’m going to let it take as much sweet time as it needs to lay that hand down. Because I want to be there on the other side of this treatment process, recovered, healthy, and living the life that I currently have on hold. And I can’t be angry about that, because anger gets me nowhere but down and that is certainly not a place I want to be in. Life is too good and I have felt far too much love and support from family and friends to let myself give up. Quite frankly, giving up has never been my style, so why start now?
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