I have been angry. I don’t even really like saying the word because it’s an emotion that I’m a bit uncomfortable with experiencing. But, at least expressing it is better than keeping it pent up, right? And, I swear (what?!). Yes, ask my parents and they’ll confirm. But, to my defense, I feel like I’m doing it more than usual because I’m basically housebound and experiencing cabin fever on my bad days.
On the flipside of anger, I certainly have some days that feel void of emotion and are just really mentally foggy. It took me a while to categorize them, but these my friends, are my version of depression. It’s like I’m sinking, falling away from myself and am just an empty shell watching the world and days pass me by, categorized by a lack of interest. It’s just this weird sort of numbness, which I really hate and that can be very difficult to shake. And, then when I look back on those particular days, I get angry at myself for wasting my time because that’s what I do. Confrontation is not my forte unless it involves myself. I just beat up on myself and then try to put on that plastered happy face, hiding the cracks and breaks of emotions that I want no one to see.
So, when I’ve needed to really do some resting recently, it’s a mental struggle to be okay with sleeping in and being a couch carrot when it’s all that I could really muster. When you have no energy, you shouldn’t feel guilt about resting...that’s what I would tell anyone else, so why is it so hard to apply that to myself? Luckily I have a husband, who likes to tell me these sort of things too, which really helps.
So when I started feeling guilty about my Mom cleaning the house while I was lounging around like a 1950s starlet, I just told myself that my bone marrow would thank me for it. And you know what, I think it did! When I went to the hospital on Wednesday, I needed to get platelets but not RBCs (yay!). And, my platelets didn’t drop too dramatically (woohoo)! Lesson learned: good things do come from resting (duh!).
On the flipside of anger, I certainly have some days that feel void of emotion and are just really mentally foggy. It took me a while to categorize them, but these my friends, are my version of depression. It’s like I’m sinking, falling away from myself and am just an empty shell watching the world and days pass me by, categorized by a lack of interest. It’s just this weird sort of numbness, which I really hate and that can be very difficult to shake. And, then when I look back on those particular days, I get angry at myself for wasting my time because that’s what I do. Confrontation is not my forte unless it involves myself. I just beat up on myself and then try to put on that plastered happy face, hiding the cracks and breaks of emotions that I want no one to see.
So, when I’ve needed to really do some resting recently, it’s a mental struggle to be okay with sleeping in and being a couch carrot when it’s all that I could really muster. When you have no energy, you shouldn’t feel guilt about resting...that’s what I would tell anyone else, so why is it so hard to apply that to myself? Luckily I have a husband, who likes to tell me these sort of things too, which really helps.
So when I started feeling guilty about my Mom cleaning the house while I was lounging around like a 1950s starlet, I just told myself that my bone marrow would thank me for it. And you know what, I think it did! When I went to the hospital on Wednesday, I needed to get platelets but not RBCs (yay!). And, my platelets didn’t drop too dramatically (woohoo)! Lesson learned: good things do come from resting (duh!).
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