Before anything else, I would like to thank everyone who has reached out and expressed their love and support as I continue on this path through treatment. The cards, comments, and text messages really do mean more to me than you may ever know, especially at the end of week with long days spent at the hospital. I always find it a comfort to chat with a friend about the day or exchange an update on status as I sit around waiting for something or another, stuck with my own thoughts.
Going through the every other day grind of commuting for an hour plus to get to the hospital, appointments, and then sitting around to wait for blood products which invariably take longer than anticipated can really wear on you. Especially when you're crossing your fingers for a short day that requires no transfusions. So what do you do to stave off the desire to go running (which you should not be doing anyway!) and screaming down the hallways and throwing a tantrum because the day just isn't going according to your little plan? You simply let go. Let go of expectation, let go of goals (for the day), and let yourself be, be present with where you are, with the world outside those big glass windows and the changing season. From my experience, focus on control doesn't change things the way we want. Typically it just tightens the noose and makes our grasp on what we are trying to achieve feel even harder to reach.
So I sit and let my mind wander, explore, and reach into those cobwebby areas that I've kept suppressed with busyness. That same busyness that I truly felt was so vital to my existence, to achieving goals, and getting things done. Sometimes I'm able to bring others into that realm of existing, getting to know the nurses or talking to others around me but other times, I just need that time to meditate, to delve into my own head and explore. I'm not angry or mad, I'm just finally trying to get to know me, who I am, what I truly believe and where this is all going to take me down the road. So if you have the chance and haven't really taken the time to actually sit down with yourself and have that little mental exploration or pure quiet, I highly recommend it. No, it is definitely NOT a waste of time, but an investment in you and working to understand what you REALLY want or feel without the outside influence of other viewpoints. Let your heart speak to you and don't be afraid to actually listen. You always have the choice to follow it or not, that's your call and based off of what you need right now. But even just once in a while, try to check in with yourself before your daily rush or at night laying down and ask, "What do I want to let go of today?".
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be" -Tao Te Ching
Going through the every other day grind of commuting for an hour plus to get to the hospital, appointments, and then sitting around to wait for blood products which invariably take longer than anticipated can really wear on you. Especially when you're crossing your fingers for a short day that requires no transfusions. So what do you do to stave off the desire to go running (which you should not be doing anyway!) and screaming down the hallways and throwing a tantrum because the day just isn't going according to your little plan? You simply let go. Let go of expectation, let go of goals (for the day), and let yourself be, be present with where you are, with the world outside those big glass windows and the changing season. From my experience, focus on control doesn't change things the way we want. Typically it just tightens the noose and makes our grasp on what we are trying to achieve feel even harder to reach.
So I sit and let my mind wander, explore, and reach into those cobwebby areas that I've kept suppressed with busyness. That same busyness that I truly felt was so vital to my existence, to achieving goals, and getting things done. Sometimes I'm able to bring others into that realm of existing, getting to know the nurses or talking to others around me but other times, I just need that time to meditate, to delve into my own head and explore. I'm not angry or mad, I'm just finally trying to get to know me, who I am, what I truly believe and where this is all going to take me down the road. So if you have the chance and haven't really taken the time to actually sit down with yourself and have that little mental exploration or pure quiet, I highly recommend it. No, it is definitely NOT a waste of time, but an investment in you and working to understand what you REALLY want or feel without the outside influence of other viewpoints. Let your heart speak to you and don't be afraid to actually listen. You always have the choice to follow it or not, that's your call and based off of what you need right now. But even just once in a while, try to check in with yourself before your daily rush or at night laying down and ask, "What do I want to let go of today?".
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be" -Tao Te Ching
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