Working on my chin-ups. No, nothing specifically bad has happened, nor is this a review of a fantastic investigative drama by the same name. This is a post of what it feels like for an athlete (or at least that’s what I’ve considered myself) to lose their peak performance and have to start back at square one.
Frustrating. Disappointing. Gratitude...which of these three is not like the others…
So while my capabilities are nowhere near where they were back in August in terms of difficult yoga poses, running (in general), or endurance, I am extremely grateful to know that I’ll be ok. I will regain my endurance, strength, and ability to perform these activities and be able to enjoy them all in due time. I’m not facing the future of a life in which I’ll never again be able to enjoy the freedom of an outdoor hike or stand up paddleboarding. No, I am not “impaired”, I am only delayed. So when I get frustrated on being winded while walking up a few flights of stairs too quickly, I need only focus on my progress. Allowing myself to think on the cans instead of the cannots. While I may want to and have in the past been able to handle multiple yoga classes in a day, now I focus on completing my home practice. Whether that be a short and strengthening practice or one that is slow and gentle. It’s the focus on committing to care for myself that has now taken center stage. A focus that I’ve rebuked at times but am continually working on recommitting to.
My best friend through all this has been walking. Whether at the hospital, outside, or on a treadmill, it’s been a release. Whereas yoga, at times has just not been jiving with how I might be feeling mentally or physically, walking never seems to let me down. Its always moving me forward, helping me let go of what challenges are behind, and keeping me focused on where my feet land. I think it’s the momentum of the movement but it continually surprises me in how rejuvenating, powerful, and strong it feels in taking each forward step. While I feel weak in other areas of endurance or strength, it’s comforting to feel like i’m building energy through my walking. So instead of running along towards that ever looming goal of full recovery, I’m walking there. Taking more time than intended but making progress nonetheless, on my own terms.
Frustrating. Disappointing. Gratitude...which of these three is not like the others…
So while my capabilities are nowhere near where they were back in August in terms of difficult yoga poses, running (in general), or endurance, I am extremely grateful to know that I’ll be ok. I will regain my endurance, strength, and ability to perform these activities and be able to enjoy them all in due time. I’m not facing the future of a life in which I’ll never again be able to enjoy the freedom of an outdoor hike or stand up paddleboarding. No, I am not “impaired”, I am only delayed. So when I get frustrated on being winded while walking up a few flights of stairs too quickly, I need only focus on my progress. Allowing myself to think on the cans instead of the cannots. While I may want to and have in the past been able to handle multiple yoga classes in a day, now I focus on completing my home practice. Whether that be a short and strengthening practice or one that is slow and gentle. It’s the focus on committing to care for myself that has now taken center stage. A focus that I’ve rebuked at times but am continually working on recommitting to.
My best friend through all this has been walking. Whether at the hospital, outside, or on a treadmill, it’s been a release. Whereas yoga, at times has just not been jiving with how I might be feeling mentally or physically, walking never seems to let me down. Its always moving me forward, helping me let go of what challenges are behind, and keeping me focused on where my feet land. I think it’s the momentum of the movement but it continually surprises me in how rejuvenating, powerful, and strong it feels in taking each forward step. While I feel weak in other areas of endurance or strength, it’s comforting to feel like i’m building energy through my walking. So instead of running along towards that ever looming goal of full recovery, I’m walking there. Taking more time than intended but making progress nonetheless, on my own terms.
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